A Show of Cheer

The holidays are generally one of the more difficult times of the year for me. The onset of the cold weather, less sunlight, dying leaves and barren trees, and an expectation to be extra cheery amidst scheduled exams and unscheduled depressive episodes have left me trying to avoid reminders of what time of year it is. Imagine how easy it is when shops puts out decor matching the next upcoming holiday, every ad online has to do with Black Friday or Cyber Monday, and all the Christmas commercials have functional minority or mixed families (points for the enlightening of media to no longer have their advertising casts be white as snow) enjoying their favorite brands as gifts under the tree.

As a note, when I am depressed I tend to have a more cynical and less forgiving view on the world, people, and most things. Its terrible trying to love people unconditionally when the voice that you are used to hearing is swapped by a voice that says, “This/he/she is stupid because they don’t understand how ____ is ____.”

Its truly a disease of the mind and I fear I am becoming more of an Ebenezer Scrooge than remaining a Ralphie Parker (the main character of A Christmas Story). And I think a lot of why I feel this way toward the holidays is because I’ve started feeling a bit more lonely whenever this time of year comes.

When I was in high school, I would spend two weeks crafting specialized messages to people who meant something to me during Thanksgiving and Christmas. I wanted people to know that I was thankful for the role that they played in my life and that they were loved. I didn’t care if they even read what I said, I just wanted them to know that I reached out to them that I cared. Even then, if I failed to message or forgot someone, I would feel an immense amount of guilt doing this.

It was after a couple years of doing this that the wonder of the holidays started becoming lost on me. I started to be more exhausted by the most wonderful time of the year instead of letting it fuel me to be what other people needed this season. Now whenever the holidays come, here is an example of my inner dialogue:

“Oh its Christmas. I want to talk to ___ and wish them a Merry Christmas. But mostly I just want to talk to them. Should I call or text? I could leave a voicemail that says everything I want to say cause texts are impersonal. But what if they pick up? Then what I want to say will be different and it will be awkward. What if I’m bothering them during their family time? They haven’t gotten to see their family in months (but I haven’t seen or heard from them in weeks). Maybe I should wait to see if they send me anything. Thats what I’ll do! And if they don’t send me anything, they sent it to everyone else and either didn’t text me cause I wasn’t important enough or forgot me because I wasn’t important enough. Oh man, what if I call and they just don’t pick up cause I’m not important enough to them. What if-.”

Then my brain shuts down due to overcorrection of hormones that try to calm me down and I end up thinking of nothing and lying in my bed all day being unproductive and depressed.

It sucks and I feel like I am the weird one feeling this way. I understand that all college students are feeling stress right now and see break as a relief; however, I feel stress right now and don’t see the break as any sort of breath of fresh air. I see it as a time when its harder to see people I actually want to hang out with because they’ve gone back to their corner of the world. I see it as the New Year approaching and I naturally look back on my year and see if I’ve made anything of my life yet. Patterns are the creators of mindsets. Pavlov demonstrates this with the bell and feeding his dogs, making their mouth water after hearing the bell.

I want to get out of my pattern. Right now I feel like I’m living a hollow existence. There was a quote from Marvel’s recent movie Sheng-Chi that really convicted me: “If you aim at nothing, you will hit nothing.” I want to aim at something. I want a goal or a dream that I can bring to reality. I don’t want things or presents for Christmas; I want to experience things I’ve never felt and see things I’ve never laid eyes on.

But I don’t want to do it alone.

Last winter break I tried doing this. I went on a two week expedition out west to visit national parks and enjoy nature while trying to reconnect with God. I went to the Grand Canyon, Zion, Arches, and Bryce. I also ate a 72 oz steak, but thats beside the point. I remember I was on a hike in Zion to visit a natural waterhole. I reached it and sat down at its base and I look up the hill to see a group of six friends, three boys and three girls, laughing and talking and having a grand old time.

As I sat and prayed under stars, on mountaintops watching the sun rise or set, a thought entered my mind.

Mountains can’t tell a joke and canyons can’t tell me about their day.

Even though everything I saw on the trip was majestic and beautiful, I look back on it with a longing that I shared with it with someone. It was the longing of relationships that I was longing on that trip. There is so much to worship about the beauty of nature, but its a conversation with a friend that I would stay up all night for instead of staring at the stars alone. Genesis says that man was not created to be alone. That is wisdom I believe to be very true and also dangerous.

I have this fear of knowing people deeper. I worry about when I start to care about people because I know that it is at that point that they can start to hurt me. At any moment, they can pull themselves out of my life and it will tear me apart. My depressive mind tells me that I am on the outside of some kind of joke. Instead of trying to reel me all the way in like a fish, keep me fighting on the line. I’ll be dragged for a bit, then let go, only to be yanked two or three times, then swim for a bit longer before it resumes.

Damn, now it’s just getting to the heart of the issue. I wrote this poem one time about how Earth is a special kind of torture that hell can’t deliver. When you go to heaven, you know you’re going to be rewarded forever. When you go to hell, you know you will be tormented forever. But on Earth, you have no idea what you’re going to get and how long it’s going to last. Thats why it’s hard for me to listen to people who try and reassure me. Some part of my mind, the rational irrationality tells me they can’t promise me it will get better. It is just as likely that it will get worse. I’ve read Job, I’ve read Ecclesiastes, and I’ve read Lamentations. God’s people get it bad… a lot.

Yet, I have to remember I’ve also read John. I’ve read the end of Revelation and I’ve read the last few Psalms. They tell me to praise the Lord and look ahead to the Son of Man who washes clean all who come with the blood of the Lamb.

It’s a bittersweet dichotomy, really. Being trapped in a depressive mindset with an unchanging hope. Its like being trapped in a deep, dark hole with a speck of light coming from the way out. You don’t know how you’re going to get out of the hole, but the fact that there is a light shows that there is a way out. Jesus has shown me that there is a resurrection and that death is not the end. There is more than the pit. There is light. I suppose that’s the meaning of Christmas, isn’t it. A light that reveals itself when the hole is as dark and deep as it can possible feel.

Now, I guess the way I get out of this episode is I start appreciating this light. Even though it’s fixed, the rays on my skin are proof it’s real. The metaphor is getting too deep so I’m going to pull myself out. I have blessings in my life that scare me. I’ve struggled with my life on if I even deserve blessings. Thats not my choice to make. God has decided I have certain blessings that aren’t going away, at least not yet. Jesus talks about celebrating with the bride-groom while the groom still lives, for there will be time for grief when the bride-groom is taken. It’s time to eat, drink, and be merry, as Ecclesiastes says, for that is the wish of God for his people.

I could’ve ended on that delightfully serious note, but alas, I have a Netflix show to reference. Big Mouth Season 4 (?) features a creature called the “Grati-Toad” (yes, I am using a show that satirizes the chaotic reality of puberty and features masturbation amongst animated pubescents, shut up). When the characters are feeling overwhelmed by life, Grati-Toad tells them to start telling people that they are grateful for that they are appreciated it.

I don’t do this, at least not wholeheartedly. This leaves my heart in a position to be stomped on and disappointed. But as I’m doing this, I remember that nothing will change in the world if I follow the patterns. Mindsets are created through patterns, but reforms are started through slight disruption.

This was a good writing session, good job Nic. We feel a good bit better going to bed tonight.

Have a ecstatic exam week.

-Nic