Can I Do Anything?

In our sleep, pain, which cannot forget, falls drop by drop upon the heart until, in our own despair, against our will, comes wisdom through the awful grace of God.
– Aeschylus

I actually read this quote at the section break for Part Two in William Peter Blatty’s The Exorcist. I have no idea who Aeschylus is, but he seems like a wise fellow with a lot of the same stuff I got going on.

I’ve been reading a lot as of late. In the past month, I’ve finished three books: Pilgrims Progress by John Bunyan, Will by Will Smith, The Exorcist by William Peter Blatty, and am currently reading The Promised Land by Barack Obama and Tao Te Ching by Lao Tsu. My roommate and friend has observed me doing this and asked if I’m doing so much reading to avoid thinking about and addressing my problems, to which I confirmed and continued to read.

I occasionally will get asked, “How can you read more than two books at once?” My joke answer is “because I’m an English major,” but there is honestly a strategy to it. I will generally have a book that is my “soda”; a book that is easily readable and does not require much if any contemplation or meditation to understand, much like drinking a soda, and I have a book that is a “smoothie” or a “steak”; a book that requires slow reading, has more colorful language and style, and needs to be thought on after sections in order to fully appreciate it, like a smoothie or a steak. So currently The Promised Land is my soda and Tao Te Ching is my steak.

However, an unexpected -but not entirely unforeseen- result has occurred from my switching back and forth reading of these two pieces of literature along with the reflection of how they compare to my worldview: they have made an already incredibly loud internal dialogue of my responsibility to the world and its people even louder and more unbearable.

Before diving into my dilemma, I’m going to explain this part of my worldview:

Ever since I have decided to try and be an authentic Christian after 8th grade through a series of traumatic events combined with me having to mature faster than I should have and coming to the conclusion I can’t do this shit called life by myself and I need God to give me real life, I’ve felt that I need to constantly give back to God. It kind of goes to the idea that good works being an effect of faith as opposed to faith being an effect of good works. While good works is a good thing, like all good things, it can become an idol if done for the wrong reasons.

This desire to give back to God has caused -and I suppose is still causing- a few psychological issues.

1. If I fail in loving someone like God loves them (Matthew:Something, “Whatever you did for the one of the least of these, you have done for me.”), then I am failing as a Christian and my identity. This has two sides to it: one of me not loving enough, and one of me not loving at all.

The former comes from an understanding that I will probably not see the fruits of my effort. Therefore, I am left with the question after interactions with others of “Did I do enough?” The answer always being “No, I could have done ___ and said ___ along with not allowing my mind to wander to [insert past mistakes] and distracting me.” I see this connect to what I understand as a sort of “Savior Complex” that I have. During one of the few sessions of family therapy that I was obligated to attend, the therapist would tell me that based on what everyone else said, I was the poster child for “The Hero” in a dysfunctional family. The definition of which is, “The hero appears to be a high functioning, well-balanced individual who the family can point to as a solid example that backs up the family’s facade of doing well. The hero allows the family to continue perpetuating the notion that everything is fine, despite there being some serious issues going on within individuals, as well as the entire family system. The hero:

• As a child may be parentified and take on the role of spouse when one of their parents is physically or emotionally unavailable
• May feel immense pressure to carry the family’s appearance of success and achievement
• May insert themselves to help resolve familial issues”

I observe this role as having evolved through a conviction that ideal human society functions through the recognition that we are part of one human family that is brought together by a common source, which I identify as God. Now, I apply this responsibility that originated in my nuclear family and spread it to those that I am around. This results in a constant need for control, a nearly paralyzing fear of intimacy, and a feeling that I can only be loved if I am accomplished. I was talking with two of my friends about this and I used a metaphor of a diamond and a smartphone. I try and view everyone as a diamond: an object which is seen with inherent value regardless of what form it may take; however, I view myself as a smartphone, which is only valuable to a person if it can fulfill the function it is meant to do. If a smartphone runs out of battery or starts operating at less than ideal performance, a person will start to look for a replacement smartphone. Therefore, I feel that I have to constantly be excelling in everything I put myself into in order to feel as though my acceptance from others can be validated. And the only way that I can help bring humanity closer and put more good into the world is if I can put my 100% into that 100% of the time.

To address the latter statement of when I just completely fail at loving others. When I do that is when shit goes completely sideways in my mind. I, like anybody who understands that they are imperfect, can think of many times I have just blatantly used someone else as a target for my frustration, exhaustion, or general dissatisfaction with the way my life is. This has manifested itself in forms ranging from pursuing a girl just to satisfy the feeling of sexual and romantic insecurity I often feel; to not being patient with others and making a personal attack on them when I feel like I am being pushed into a corner. Then I come to my senses, I feel an extreme weight of guilt, I apologize for it to mend the relationship so that we can move past it and continue to cultivate and grow with each other, and then I proceed to continue and feel an extreme weight of guilt.

Both of these insecurities adds up to me feeling like I have to do my best to display God’s love on Earth -so basically be Jesus- to feel worthy of value. Is this reasonable? Absolutely not. Is this healthy? Clearly, no. Does being conscious about this help? I feel like it probably is the reason I get depressed instead of pissed off.

2. I am not allowed to do things for myself when there is an opportunity to do things for others. Anything that I want to do is immediately vetoed to what I should be doing.

For example, due to the error I made in my application resulting in me not going to study abroad in Scotland, I am now faced with three decisions.

1. I can go to Scotland Fall 2022 or Spring 2023, effectively missing one of the last two semesters I’ll have with the friends at school who I don’t get enough time with already.
2. I can go to on a different study abroad program this summer and not work at the camp I’ve worked with for the past two summers that spreads the gospel to kids and have fun with them.
3. I don’t go study abroad at all and fulfill the obligations I have of being a present friend and faithful servant.

I’ve talked this predicament with a few of my friends and they have told me that I should pursue option 1 or 2 based on the fact that “its a great opportunity you need to take advantage of” or “You’ve already served for two summers and you don’t owe those kids anything. They will be fine without you.” Both of which I agree with, but cannot rationalize because that is not where my guilt comes from.

Let’s make it clear: Camp Willow Springs, the camp I work at, is not a chore or something that I have dreaded doing either of the years. It’s so much fun. The staff is great. They love Jesus, they love the kids and each other, they engage in amazing conversation of gospel, theology, and God, and we become a happy family incredibly quickly.

The kids are also fun. While they are a handful at times, being able to explain the gospel, God’s love, and help them through whatever they are going through is an amazing feeling. It is the most emotionally exhausting job I’ve ever had, but its also the most rewarding.

Seeing the way in which not only the kid’s lives, but my own life and the lives of the other counselors impacted makes going to camp feel like something that I not only want to do, but I need to do for myself and for others.

I don’t have much more time to do camp. Before learning that I wasn’t going to Scotland, this was my last summer where the chance of me attending was greater than the chance of me not attending. I would say I was 65-35; but now, I don’t even know where my odds lie. I feel trapped over the conviction of serving I have at camp and fulfilling my responsibility to God, and going on a trip to explore the world and satisfy my heart’s constant desire to travel.

I look at it like some sort of divine test where God is looking down on me, stroking his beard, adjusting his glasses, going, “Hmm… show me Mr. Nelson, where does your heart truly lie. Are you a faithful servant, or am I going to have to put you in the belly of a whale to get you where I need you to go?”

Again, not a healthy mindset nor an accurate portrayal of the God of the Bible and our existence; but the one that I have and must learn to correct nonetheless.

The obvious issue with this mindset is that it functions under the assumption that God does not care about what is going on in my life and instead acts as an authoritarian dictator who accomplishes his plan through whatever means necessary (which is unfortunately the view that many theists and non-theists have).

God is -thankfully- more complex than this according to the scriptures (yes, this is my transition to the theologically heavy portion of this article mwahahahaha).

Here is a passage from Exodus 32, the chapter where Moses is chilling with God on the peak of Mount Sinai while the rest of the Israelites make a golden calf to worship. The following exchange is between God and Moses regarding the events taking place:

Exodus 32:7-14, “⁷ Then the Lord said to Moses, “Go down, because your people, whom you brought up out of Egypt, have become corrupt. ⁸ They have been quick to turn away from what I commanded them and have made themselves an idol cast in the shape of a calf. They have bowed down to it and sacrificed to it and have said, ‘These are your gods, Israel, who brought you up out of Egypt.⁹ “I have seen these people,” the Lord said to Moses, “and they are a stiff-necked people. ¹⁰ Now leave me alone so that my anger may burn against them and that I may destroy them. Then I will make you into a great nation.”¹¹ But Moses sought the favor of the Lord his God. “Lord,” he said, “why should your anger burn against your people, whom you brought out of Egypt with great power and a mighty hand? ¹² Why should the Egyptians say, ‘It was with evil intent that he brought them out, to kill them in the mountains and to wipe them off the face of the earth’? Turn from your fierce anger; relent and do not bring disaster on your people. ¹³ Remember your servants Abraham, Isaac and Israel, to whom you swore by your own self: ‘I will make your descendants as numerous as the stars in the sky and I will give your descendants all this land I promised them, and it will be their inheritance forever.’” ¹⁴ Then the Lord relented and did not bring on his people the disaster he had threatened.”

Summary

Lord: Aye yo, these people fake. Who even is this calf? It’s on sight.

Moses: Aye, chill. You don’t want these other nations to catch you slippin’. Remember, you was tight with Abraham.

Lord: Word.

Aside from the fact that the Generation Z translation of the Bible could use me on their team, the idea of this passage is while God is jealous for his people and often uses wrath as a means of cleansing, he is also not deaf to the cries of his people. While Moses does not justify the actions of the Israelites, he does appeal to the promises from God to Abraham to make his descendants as numerous as the stars, rebuilding what humanity is suppose to look like through his lineage.

This passage is one of many throughout the Bible that captures the complex between the desires of man and the plans of God. This tension is most often battled in the modern debate of free will and predestination, but that is not the point here. Regardless of the metaphysical law that dictates the personal narrative of myself and the overarching narrative of humanity, the struggles to make certain decisions as well as addressing the consequences set through decision is how wisdom is developed through a lifetime or generation. This experience is how people set priorities of either themselves or others. Oftentimes, decisions to help others at little to no expense is where the feeling of selflessness comes from. However, the decisions that come at a price of convenience and desire in order to benefit others is where selflessness becomes character.

The problem I face with others is watching the former often being the case. It’s a foothold in my heart for feelings of contempt and judgment to take hold. This is especially true during depression when I am more tired in every aspect of my being. I’ll hear people tell me they care about me and want to help, but then the back of my mind whispers “All liesssss… they tell me they care, but at what cossssst? Will they help if it required sssssacrificccceee? They probably just want to usssseeee me.” It very much does feel like the doubt Ron experiences when he stabs the locket in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. These thoughts often have a doubly damaging effect. It results in me distancing myself from others because I feel like they don’t care, isolating me; and it allows me to become more depressed because I’m not worth being cared about.

Damn. My mind is tragic, isn’t it? This goes back to the question of my situation: can I do anything about this?

This is where the two books I am reading plus scripture comes into play.

Tao Te Ching suggests that true satisfaction comes from balancing action with inaction and bending to the forces of world while not letting it break you, essentially the idea of “Nothing in excess.” So, essentially connecting with the universal source by allowing yourself to discern when to act and not act, and allowing yourself to accept the result. This is similar to aspects of a portion of the biblical wisdom literature, Ecclesiastes, which tells the author that even though life is meaningless and the world is broken, look for joy anyway and find solace in the fact that God wants us to find joy in a world where circumstances take it away from us. The biblical literature also tells us that while the just may not always be rewarded, it is better to be just than wicked; and while we may never understand why bad things happen to good people, God does.

Then comes The Promised Land, the story of a young grassroots activist turned young senator turned President of the United States. In a book about being a progressive president, Obama constantly struggles with knowing if what he is putting so much effort into will have any effect. Will people be helped? What about those who still struggle? Will any of this have meaning lifetimes from now?

The words he chooses to respond to this have helped me. While incredibly simple, they make me want to fight. I’m not a guy who has nothing to lose, but also a guy who feels like he has the passion of “something worth fighting for,” but this is what he says:

“The idea that I, or any one person, could bring order to such chaos seemed laughable; on some level, the crowds below were cheering an illusion. And yet, in the flickering of those candles, I saw something else. I saw an expression of the spirit of millions of people around the world: the U.S. soldier manning a post in Kandahar, the mother in Iran teaching her daughter to read, the Russian pro-democracy activist mustering his courage for an upcoming demonstration-all those who refused to give up on the idea that life could be better, and that whatever the risks and hardships, they had a role to play.
Whatever you do won’t be enough, I heard their voices say.
Try anyway.“

That is what I hear God tell me. A reminder that I can’t fix everyone, even though my demons tell me I need to. My demons tell me that if I fail once, I might as well give up.

I Am tells me if I fail, stand up, dust yourself up, and try anyway.

Good night and happy holidays.

-Nic