Sorry I couldn’t come up with a better title. If I were trying to write lengthy essay for university or a creative narrative, I may have come up with something that draws more attention. Truthfully, I was worried that if I spent to much time thinking on the title I would just trash this whole idea and continue my essays that I should stop procrastinating.
When I was doing the whole “set up your site to look more stylish and organized” part that I wanted to skip over, the default heading for the site said “The Journey Begins.” I was tempted to put that as the title, but I felt it would be over cliché and make myself feel like a truly terrible Creative Writing major instead of a mediocre one. However as I saw that title, I confess that I laughed. This is not the beginning of the journey for me; if anything, this is the part of the journey where the hero has fallen in a pit of which there is no escape, gone into a coma, has lost the will to fight the good fight, etc.. The latter of those three examples is the most accurate for my situation though. Before I try and articulate exactly how I am feeling and tackle the even bigger challenge of why, I am briefly going to explain who I am.
My name is Nicholas Nelson, or as my peers call me, Nic. I am currently a junior attending Appalachian State University in Boone, North Carolina and am studying English with a Creative Writing Concentration, History, and minoring in Religious Studies. I could type away about my various interests that one might do if I was introducing myself in front of a seminar styled class, but I honestly just want to get to the heart of who I am.
I am a Christian who struggles with depression and anxiety. I also attend a public university, have friends with similar and different world views, and have my share of vices (or sin, if you were to use religious jargon). I struggle with small talk, and because of that I feel like people struggle with me. I know what I want to do with my life, which is write stories for people, but the path looks so difficult and unrealistic that I hesitate to take even a first step.
The original reason I created this site was to record my semester abroad at the University of St. Andrews in Scotland. But as of yesterday, I will no longer be able to go due to a mistake that I made in the application form. My motivation for my semester has vanished, depression is at an all time strong, and I have spent my entire day in bed because I do not have the will to do anything anymore. So now, as I sit inside my school library feeling very uninspired to do anything related to school, I have decided to test using this site try and feel better and become better at expressing myself and being honest. I had dinner with my -concerned- mother today and she told me it always feels like I’m holding back from telling her something. That is very true, but I feel as though I have gun pointed at my heart and if I were to tell her, or anyone, whats going on in the deepest parts of myself, that gun would go off and I would not be ok.
I imagine that my entire story will come out at some point of me creating posts on this site, but I don’t feel like spilling my entire past onto the first post is the best idea for me at the moment. The purpose of this site (I’m not comfortable with the term blog yet, it feels weird) is to have a healthy outlet and help me understand how the Lord is working in my life.
Let me clarify; I HATE the sites that rabble on about how God has blessed them, he’s working all the time, all you have to do is believe in him and he will provide you with the deepest desires of your heart, and then quote out of context scripture to support their fairytale that heaven is disguised as their home in a gated community. That is the prosperity gospel, and it is a load of shit. Let me tell you what I do believe.
- God is working all the time, but that doesn’t mean hardships are easy.
- Behind pain, there is a promise; but that doesn’t mean I won’t cry out cause it feels unbearable.
- Jesus is the Way, the Truth, and the Life. (John… something.)
- God has a plan for my life, but that doesn’t mean he always gives handouts.
- By grace, I have been saved; but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t respond in good works and faithful lifestyle… and that also doesn’t mean I don’t have a hard time responding with those good works and faithful lifestyle
My thoughts on the gospel are much longer than that, but I don’t want to have it take up the entirety of this post. What one should take away from it is that its very important to me and I care that it is communicated authentically in my personal life and its metaphysical implications.
Returning to how I am feeling: pretty trash, depressed, unmotivated, lonely, sad, and the list goes on. I am now looking forward to nothing and me not going to Scotland next semester ruins a lot of plans that I had and will require me to make future decisions I don’t want to make.
As far as why I am feeling like that: I feel that if I never reached out to anybody, I would fall out of existence in everyone’s mind; I ran out of appointments with my therapist last week and the next time I can see him is in January; I am caught between the feeling of wanting to throw the chair I am sitting on through a window and of wanting to lay on my bed, sink into it, and cry; and I feel as though I am failing as a follower, a friend, a son, a brother, a student, a cousin, a nephew, and every role in my life because I neurologically find myself having lower worth than of all God’s creation.
However, this summer I also felt the Lord. He touched me and gave me back the joy I had lost and took away the pain I felt. He healed me and made me new. It’s clearly not a permanent fix because the world is a tough, mean place, but I know it is possible for him to keep doing it.
So what do want from this habit of posting articles on this site? I want to find the energy to love and care for God’s people to my fullest ability, because that is what I miss the most. I want to ask my stressed friend to have lunch with me and set up a picnic for her as a surprise. I want to joyfully be the DD my friends can count on. I want to be the person to help others instead of being the person that needs to constantly be helped. I want to smile through trials and now it will be alright.
That is what I want.
The first step for me to do this is be transparent. This site helps because I can’t go on and publish an article like my passing conversations with friends. It’d be titled “How ya doin?!” and I’d write, “fine, how bout you?”, and it would be a lie. This requires me to be articulate and think things through. Maybe it’ll make me feel a little better. I don’t know if I’m feeling better cause of writing or because I’ve reached the bottom of my Bang, but its a start.
I won’t have a schedule for this, just whenever I post. I suppose that means I should set up a way for people to be notified… I’ll figure it out.
Have a good night and go to sleep if you haven’t yet.
– Nic
My Journey to Satisfaction 